Classic Carlin
- Always do whatever’s next.
- At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
- Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
- Electricity is really just organized lightning
- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac
- I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
- I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
- I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
